Learning to fight for my joy

Let me be real. I’ve been doing terribly in my attempt to rest. In large part, I can blame this on too many good things happening to me at once. In the past 30 days, I got a big promotion at my day job, the wife and I successfully went through phase one of our IVF fertility treatment, we signed our first distribution deal on our film (more on this passion project another time), and…drum roll…we just got invited to speak at a TED event next month. 

As I’m writing this all out, it’s no surprise that I’m thrilled and totally overwhelmed at the same time. I’ve been working towards this promotion for the past year and half, but now that I finally have it, I’m worried about whether or not I can actually live up to my new position as a Director. The success of the first phase of our fertility procedure is a HUGE relief, but I still can’t allow myself to hope for more. And the TED invitation is the biggest thing to have happened to this passion project, yet of course I’m panicking at the thought of the speech itself. What’s clear to me is that if you don’t intentionally take time to celebrate your successes, it’s all too easy to allow the pressure of achievement overshadow your joy. 

As a way to put some rigor and discipline around resting (yes I know it’s ironic, but that’s who I am), I adopted a few goals based on the 90-day action plan espoused by performance coach Todd Herman:

  •  Process goals: My goals here were to meditate 1x/day, go on a meditation retreat, and do something restful everyday. Meditation fell off the table for much of March and April, but I’ve been bringing it back here and there in the form walking meditation (typically post-dinner walks with the dog). I was hoping to go on an official meditation retreat, but the best I managed to schedule is a weekend getaway with some Buddhist friends which will include some scheduled meditation time. As for doing something restful everyday, I’ve been more mindful about this than ever, though execution is still haphazard. My most restful day was one that I had no choice over – after my fertility procedure, I was pretty drugged out and couldn’t do much other than play video games and eat ice cream for the rest of the day. And all guilt free – oh the bliss!
  • Performance goals: My goal here was to feel less guilty about taking a break. Emotional hang-ups don’t get cured overnight, and neither will my unhealthy preoccupation with staying productive. But, I have been reminding myself of all the reasons why rest is necessary for creativity and well-being. I’m doing a decent job of putting time limits around work so that I make sure to step away from my desk and do something rejuvenating every few hours.
  • Outcome goals: My goal here was to get restored and give myself space for insight and self-reflection. Hmmm…no, I can’t say I’m anywhere near feeling restored. In fact, it feels like my life is this roller coaster ride that looks like a lot of fun to everyone else, but really it’s all I can do to just hang on for dear life. For now, my main relief comes from cuddle time with my wife, quiet walks with the dog, and Trader Joe’s mini mint ice cream sandwiches.

Sometimes I also find relief by staring at the net worth number posted on my Personal Capital account to remind myself that the promised land of Financial Independence and infinite free time is only a few years away. But as much as the idea of the future brings me anticipatory joy, I also know that life is lived in these moments right now, no matter how harried and crazy they may feel. After all no one knows what the future may hold, and these may be my only moments.

So this weekend, I promised myself to take time out from the errands and obligatory social events to do something that I truly enjoy. I looked up a new hiking route just 20 minutes from my house, and I was delighted to discover a beautiful 8-mile mountain trail with postcard views of the rugged California coastline. So often, just making the small intention to enjoy the present moment can yield such surprising rewards.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *